《Philosophy / Religion / College / Language (Album Version)》歌词

[00:10:22] 作词 : Steve Martin

[00:10:22] 作曲 : Steve Martin

[00:10:22] But I am into the intellectual thing.

[00:10:22] I went to college. I studied the great philosophers.

[00:10:22] Socretes. I studied "Platoe." You know, you learn the important things.

[00:10:22] Like, if you're studying geology which is all facts,

[00:10:22] as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, you know? Because it's just numbers and things,

[00:10:22] but philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

[00:10:22] Then you studied the important like ethical questions:

[00:10:22] is it ok to yell "movie" in a crowded fire house?

[00:10:22] Uh, religious questions. Does the Pope **** in the woods?

[00:10:22] I keep waiting sometime.

[00:10:22] If there is a god give me a sign.

[00:10:22] See? I told you [unintelligible gibberish

[00:10:22] Wouldn't it be weird if you died, and you woke up,

[00:10:22] and you were in heaven, just like they always told you?

[00:10:22] Everybody had wings on and pearly gates.

[00:10:22] Wouldn't you feel stupid?

[00:10:22] "Oh no. You mean that this is what....?"

[00:10:22] Awww. In college they said this was all bullshit.

[00:10:22] Oooh then, well, I'll just come in.

[00:10:22] What? You've been keeping records on me?

[00:10:22] "Well, I wasn't so bad. How many times did I take the Lord's name in vain?"

[00:10:22] Ooooh. Million and six?

[00:10:22] Jesus Chri-"

[00:10:22] We're going to get to the meat of the act pretty soon. I'm just kind of coasting here.

[00:10:22] What do you want for four dollars? A real show or something?

[00:10:22] I don't need this, you know what I mean?

[00:10:22] I'm a neat guy

[00:10:22] More wine.

[00:10:22] Ahh, it's so hard, it's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean?

[00:10:22] It's like, religion, I mean you can't really take it seriously

[00:10:22] because it seems so mythological, and it seems so arbitrary.

[00:10:22] And then on the other hand science, you know, is just pure empiricism

[00:10:22] and by virtue of its method it excludes metaphysics.

[00:10:22] And uh, I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if not for my lucky astrology mood watch.

[00:10:22] College. You feel so small, you know.

[00:10:22] You go to college, you study about guys like Leonardo, who did everything.

[00:10:22] A scientist. A pai-, a great, a great painter. A great architect and designer.

[00:10:22] And you feel like an idiot.

[00:10:22] I wanted to expand my life in the way that Leonardo did,

[00:10:22] and that's why I took up juggling.

[00:10:22] I know what you're saying, you're saying,

[00:10:22] Steve, where do you find time to juggle?

[00:10:22] Well, I juggle in my mind.

[00:10:22] Whoops. Ok, um.

[00:10:22] But people look at guys, like, like the Mona Lisa, hahaha, Leonardo's Mona Lisa,

[00:10:22] and they think, "Ohh, that's not so great."

[00:10:22] But not a lot of people know this: the Mona Lisa was painted with one stroke.

[00:10:22] He just went pllft, "How's this?"

[00:10:22] Ok, I'm sorry, alright, ok, ok. Ahhhh.

[00:10:22] Excuse me, just went to the Bahamas for a second.

[00:10:22] Well, anyway. I guess you can tell that, uh I'm into language.

[00:10:22] Language is kinda my thing being a comedian.

[00:10:22] And uh, if you don't have a command of the language, nothing to be embarrassed about but,

[00:10:22] because this is my profession and let's face it: some people have a way with words, and other people

[00:10:22] oh, not have a way.

[00:10:22] See I'm into language. You have to have a command of the English language or you're just nowhere.

[00:10:22] Say you get out college or whatever you're doing.

[00:10:22] You're gonna go into business; say you're going to open a bank.

[00:10:22] Now you, just for example, you've got to give it the right name.

[00:10:22] It's got to be something big and strong like Security First Trust and Federal Reserve.

[00:10:22] And you have to name a bank that because nobody is going to put their money in Fred's Bank.

[00:10:22] "Hi, I'm Fred. I have a bank. You got $1,500?"

[00:10:22] I'll put it, I'll put it here, in my white suit.

[00:10:22] White suit, right-hand pocket. Ok, you gotta remember that.

[00:10:22] See kids learn how to talk by listening to their parents, see?

[00:10:22] See, this is a good one you can pull on them.

[00:10:22] See, what you do, you have a three-year-old kid and you want to play a dirty trick on them,

[00:10:22] whenever you're around them, you talk wrong.

[00:10:22] So now it's like his first day in school and he raises his hand.

[00:10:22] Mambo dogface to the banana patch?

[00:10:22] Give that kid a special test. Get him out.

[00:10:22] Let me give you a warning, ok. I was in Paris about two months ago.

[00:10:22] And, it was just a little vacation. It was on the east coast, I had seven days off and say,

[00:10:22] Well I'll just go over there; I'll go to Paris.

[00:10:22] But let me give you a warning if you're going over there. Here's an example:

[00:10:22] chapeau means hat.

[00:10:22] Ouef means egg.

[00:10:22] It's like those French have a different word for everything.

[00:10:22] I'm serious. See, you never appreciate your language

[00:10:22] until you go to a foreign country that doesn't have the courtesy to speak English.

[00:10:22] I went over there thinking no problem, I don't speak any French;

[00:10:22] I'm thinking no problem, English is a universal language.

[00:10:22] Everybody, no, I'll just, it'll be easy. I get off the plane, get into the taxi say to the driver -

[00:10:22] [baby talking in audience

[00:10:22] I dig baby talk. Ok, have I started yet? I have, ok, well then let's just keep going.

[00:10:22] Oh, so, so anyway, you go to Paris, France and....um.

[00:10:22] Well, let's go back to what I was talking about about uh Paris, France. I remember, don't worry.

[00:10:22] So did I say "A courtesy to speak English?" I said that, ok. Now.

[00:10:22] I went over there thinking, "Oh everyone's going to speak English, no problem;

[00:10:22] I don't speak a word of French. It's a universal language, so I'll just be able to speak English."

[00:10:22] So I get off the plane; I get into a taxi; the first indication I'm going to have trouble:

[00:10:22] I say to the driver, "I'd like to go to a hotel please."

[00:10:22] [indecipherable French

[00:10:22] Whaat? What is that you're saying? So, the first thing you do, this is really dumb,

[00:10:22] you think this will help, you adopt a French accent.

[00:10:22] I would like to go to zee hotel. So that's nothing,

[00:10:22] so I went out and bought a little French phrase book hoping to memorize little phrases, you know;

[00:10:22] can I go to the bathroom,' things like that.

[00:10:22] But French is not like Spanish. Spanish you can sound it out.

[00:10:22] It's easy for Americans. Every vowel is a syllable.

[00:10:22] Casa de Pepe. Donde esta casa de Pepe?

[00:10:22] But French is like, "jouen de le droit." [choking noises

[00:10:22] What happened; what happened?

[00:10:22] He spoke French. Help him!

[00:10:22] So the only thing I could remember was cheese omelette.

[00:10:22] Omelette du fromage.' I'm practicing all the time. Omlette du fromage.

[00:10:22] I'm meeting people, "Hey, omlette du fromage."

[00:10:22] Finally, I got into a restaurant and go, "Omelette du fromage."

[00:10:22] And the problem if you order in French the waiter thinks you speak French,

[00:10:22] he goes, "[unintelligible French

[00:10:22] He brings you a shoe with cheese on it.

[00:10:22] And you also told him to force it down your throat.

[00:10:22] I'll have a shoe with cheese on it; force it down my throat; and I want to massage your grandmother, ok.

[00:10:22] I finally figured out the secret to ordering food: it's all sound effects.

[00:10:22] Went into a restaurant, wanted to order milk, eggs, and ham.

[00:10:22] I go in and I go, "[cow noise, chicken noise, pig noise

[00:10:22] The waiter looked and me and goes, "I beg your pardon?"

[00:10:22] Ok, enough comedy jokes. Alright, um-

[00:10:22] [audience member

[00:10:22] Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.