《Ghost Haddock》歌词

[00:00:20] Jeremy Handlebars loved Sarah Jane Thomson

[00:00:23] Sarah Jane Thomson loved Jeremy Handlebars

[00:00:26] They were going to be married

[00:00:27] And they were going to spend the rest of their lives together

[00:00:30] And be very very happy

[00:00:32] And that as Jeremy Handlebars so often said was that

[00:00:36] Sarah giggled

[00:00:37] It wasn't quite the proposal she'd imagined

[00:00:39] But that was Jeremy all over once he'd made his mind up

[00:00:43] He was just so decisive she thought

[00:00:45] And she wished that she could be like that to

[00:00:48] Jeremy said that it was destiny that had brought them together

[00:00:51] And that no one not even he could defy the will of God

[00:00:53] So there was no use in either of them fighting it

[00:00:56] Or even pretending to

[00:00:57] It was more a case of ironing out the practical details

[00:01:00] And making sure everything ran smoothly on the day

[00:01:02] I mean there was the question of the cake

[00:01:04] And the flowers of course

[00:01:05] And then who to invite

[00:01:06] And then who not to invite

[00:01:08] I mean where did you draw the line with a thing like this

[00:01:11] Sarah smiled as she stopped listening and drifted off

[00:01:14] It was true she could still remember that first day they'd met

[00:01:17] As vividly as if it was now

[00:01:19] And her attention swung back to five years ago

[00:01:21] And that car boot sale in Norwich

[00:01:23] When she thought of how she might nearly not have gone

[00:01:26] She shuddered

[00:01:35] Sarah's parents lived quite near Norwich

[00:01:36] And on the weekend in question

[00:01:38] She had gone back there on a sort of a visit

[00:01:41] Her mum had phoned her up in one of her hysterical states

[00:01:43] Between the sobbing Sarah learnt that Dad had started drinking whiskeys in the morning again

[00:01:48] This time he'd threatened Miss Hand me down lightly the Lollypop Lady

[00:01:51] By sticking a shotgun in her throat

[00:01:53] And calling her a 'Handmaiden of the devil'

[00:01:55] Before unloading into the air and falling down unconscious

[00:01:58] It was just another incident in a long line of them

[00:02:01] But Sarah's mum went through stages where she just could not cope anymore

[00:02:04] And then Sarah would have to go back there for a while

[00:02:07] S**t she thought

[00:02:08] And got on the next train home

[00:02:11] She knew there was nothing anyone could do about Dad

[00:02:13] But she felt sorry for her Mum

[00:02:15] And liked to tell herself that she loved her

[00:02:17] And anyway there was no point in changing the rules of the game this late in the second half

[00:02:21] It was the usual carry on when she arrived

[00:02:23] Her mother cried and cried

[00:02:24] While Sarah cooked food for her father

[00:02:26] Which he threw against the walls

[00:02:28] Then at about seven thirty each evening

[00:02:30] And always a little worse for it

[00:02:31] He'd go outside and sit in his car

[00:02:33] Wind the window up

[00:02:34] Shout the word Slags

[00:02:36] Over and over again

[00:02:37] As loud as he could

[00:02:38] 'Til he fell down into a drunken sleep

[00:02:40] Then they'd carry him inside

[00:02:42] And put him to bed

[00:02:43] It was these screams of her father

[00:02:44] That accompanied Sarah upon the walks she took

[00:02:47] After she'd sneaked out of the house

[00:02:48] And strolled along the B1172

[00:02:50] As it meanders its way into Norwich

[00:03:01] Absentmindedly she happened upon the car boot sale

[00:03:04] And really didn't know why or what she was doing there

[00:03:06] Until she saw it

[00:03:07] And then everything went clear

[00:03:09] The gun cost seventy five quid

[00:03:11] And after a moment's dilemma followed by some mental calculations

[00:03:14] She decided seventy five was well worth it to blow that bastard's brains out

[00:03:19] With glazed eyes and to be quite honest looking like a bit of a nutter

[00:03:22] She stretched out her hand with the intention of making the gun hers

[00:03:25] Now at that exact moment a truly rare occurrence in this universe

[00:03:29] As it really was that exact moment

[00:03:31] Somebody else she hadn't noticed and who hadn't noticed her

[00:03:34] Stretched out his hand to take the very very same gun

[00:03:38] It was Jeremy

[00:03:39] The gun her hand and his hand all made contact at the exact same instant

[00:03:44] Eyes and barrels all meeting simultaneously

[00:03:46] Giving rise to what can only be described as something like a sort of true human communication

[00:03:51] A real one off that allowed understanding to flood through and from and into each other

[00:03:56] All Sarah's murder impulse was exactly and oppositely reconverted into a passionate desire

[00:04:02] Meant with a deep felt admiration respect and love for this stranger

[00:04:06] Jeremy said he felt the same

[00:04:07] So they went for expresso's at Caldidge which is so convenient when it's just round the corner

[00:04:18] They laughed as their stories unravelled

[00:04:20] Especially when Jeremy revealed coincidentally

[00:04:22] That he was there looking for a gun to empty all over his Mum

[00:04:25] And she drank too

[00:04:26] And when he'd been away on a two week Communications Course which work had sent him on

[00:04:31] She had forgotten to feed his fish

[00:04:33] And he's returned to find them sunny side down and motionless mid tank

[00:04:37] He'd loved them fish

[00:04:38] And he believed that they knew and loved him too

[00:04:41] They were in fact unbeknownst to his mum

[00:04:43] His closest and most treasured companions

[00:04:45] He told how he sat frozen for a week after he found them

[00:04:48] And how his only contact reality

[00:04:50] Had become the sound of the distant tinkling of smashing glasses

[00:04:54] Mixed in with the cackling laughter of his mother

[00:04:56] As she entertained the local drunks upstairs

[00:04:58] And the stench of ghost haddock

[00:05:00] Which seemed to permeate the entire accommodation block

[00:05:03] He told how he'd remained in this trance

[00:05:05] The gun theory slowly revealed itself to him

[00:05:08] And as it cleared he woke to find himself driving through the outskirts of Norwich

[00:05:12] As he later went on to explain to Sarah he had never been to Norwich and it held no fascination for him whatsoever

[00:05:18] In this sense at least he seemed a normal and sane man Sarah reasoned

[00:05:22] And indeed in many ways we may assume that he was

[00:05:25] They of course bought the gun as a token of their love

[00:05:27] Jeremy paid for it like proper men do

[00:05:30] That was five years ago now

[00:05:31] And Sarah sighed as she returned to what she understood to be the present time

[00:05:39] Their wedding came and went in relative safety

[00:05:42] It was not interesting

[00:05:43] In fact the next significant event to occur in their lives

[00:05:45] Was some five years later

[00:05:47] With some understanding this intermediate period is necessary

[00:05:51] For fuller understanding of what was to follow

[00:05:54] Jeremy and Sarah melted

[00:05:56] They abandoned their own identities and grew into each other

[00:05:59] As time dragged on their branches became so complicatedly intertwined

[00:06:02] That it was impossible to tell from which person they had originated

[00:06:06] They choked the individuality of each other in a frenzy that only the terror of loneliness will allow

[00:06:12] Now neither knew the other or themselves

[00:06:14] But clung to feigned personalities

[00:06:16] They believed the other required of them

[00:06:18] Their truly sickening and spineless existence

[00:06:21] Based upon complete reliance upon one another

[00:06:23] But at least they were not lonely

[00:06:25] And respite did occur in the form of hobbies

[00:06:28] Which they pretended to share and enjoy

[00:06:30] But in fact did not

[00:06:32] The irritation they so often felt for one another

[00:06:34] They denied

[00:06:35] But it would surface occasionally in sporadic eruptions of screaming and violence

[00:06:39] Usually directed at the useless artefacts society offered them as distractions from each other

[00:06:44] The TV the microwave and the dish washer

[00:06:46] Sat as cold and silent witnesses to their futility

[00:06:50] But they did have their uses

[00:06:51] As the time spent working to get them

[00:06:53] Would have been time they'd have to have spent with each other

[00:06:55] In other words and put much more simply than this

[00:06:58] They became what is commonly known as a right couple

[00:07:08] The next significant event then

[00:07:09] Was some five years after they'd tied the knot

[00:07:12] Jeremy was at work doing his job at fishy Business Aquariums

[00:07:15] Where he looked after the fish

[00:07:17] And Sarah was at home rearranging their possessions

[00:07:19] She never did seem to be able to get it quite right

[00:07:22] She sat down and sighed absent mindedly

[00:07:25] Picked up and toyed with the gun which had brought them together

[00:07:27] Ten years ago that day

[00:07:29] Which was kept pride of place on their mantelpiece

[00:07:31] And which Jeremy insisted on being kept loaded

[00:07:34] When it just went off

[00:07:35] The bullet went straight through her

[00:07:37] Where her liver was

[00:07:38] Blood and bile and pancreatic juice

[00:07:40] Splattered against the wall behind her

[00:07:42] The three different fluids started dripping down the wall

[00:07:45] And it looked like some weird kind of a race

[00:07:47] And when one drop mixed in with another they would hurry each other along

[00:07:51] On the descent to the floor

[00:07:52] Or when one drop strayed into the path another one had already taken

[00:07:56] That would speed it along too

[00:07:57] And when the dripping stopped

[00:07:59] And it dried up

[00:08:00] It looked good

[00:08:04] When Jeremy arrived home to find his beloved floating mid tank as it were

[00:08:08] Something snapped inside him

[00:08:10] Maybe it could have been something to do with electricity

[00:08:12] Or maybe not

[00:08:13] But anyway his brain his brain just shut off

[00:08:16] And he stood there for about an hour completely motionless

[00:08:19] And then when he started moving again

[00:08:21] He was talking as if nothing had happened

[00:08:23] He playfully scolded her as one scolds a small child for the mess she'd made on the wall

[00:08:28] And then he cleared it up with a new kind of liquid

[00:08:30] Which did do the job really well

[00:08:32] And as he did so he carried on talking normally to her

[00:08:35] The fact Sarah had never been much of a talker and tended to drift off

[00:08:39] Was an enormous help in maintaining his delusion

[00:08:42] He also found that as he dragged the corpse from room to room with him

[00:08:45] It was best if he heightened his conversation to an excited jabbering

[00:08:49] And unloaded all the banalities and problems he'd encountered at work

[00:08:52] Or just talked anxiously about his money worries

[00:08:54] Either way it really helped

[00:08:56] The fact that their coupledom had made them extremely uncomfortable in front of other people

[00:09:00] Due to the absurdity of their false roles

[00:09:02] Had meant that visitors had not been welcome in the flat for many years

[00:09:06] So that was 'no problemo' either

[00:09:07] In fact Jeremy soon found this new state of affairs rather to his liking

[00:09:12] Even when the body started to putrefy and fall apart

[00:09:15] He lovingly transported the separate bits from room to room

[00:09:18] And carefully reassembled them

[00:09:20] Just the way he remembered her

[00:09:22] He really didn't feel lonely at all

[00:09:24] His favourite bits were her beautiful eyes

[00:09:26] Which after they had become detached from the mother head

[00:09:29] He kept in his pocket

[00:09:30] And would affectionately fondle

[00:09:32] Especially when he felt nervous

[00:09:33] Or he was outside

[00:09:35] And sometimes when the mood was right at night

[00:09:37] He'd pick up an ear and place it to his mouth

[00:09:39] And mumble secrets about love and desire

[00:09:42] And if he could find all the right bits

[00:09:43] He'd lovingly carry them to his bed

[00:09:45] Where he'd fall upon them and wriggle and moan

[00:09:47] On these special occasions he'd take the eyes out of his pocket

[00:09:51] And place them on the pillow

[00:09:52] And as he lay there writhing on what was left of the body

[00:09:55] Her eyes would stare frozen cold and emotionless at the ceiling

[00:09:59] Jeremy Handlebars didn't feel lonely at all